One of my favorite game series has always been Super Smash Bros. As a kid, I played the original on my N64, and have given ample time to both sequels, most notably Brawl. In fact, I just finished a four hour marathon of sitting in my dark room, curtains drawn, mumbling to myself as I kicked the asses of all who came my way. I'm the type of person that talks smack when I'm playing video games, and because of this, I've formed some heavy handed opinions on the playable characters in Super Smash Brothers Brawl. Because I have no life, and I assume you're in the same boat if you have time to read any of this, this will be part one of a series of Brawl character breakdowns.
I'm going in alphabetical order; there are technically 35 characters in the game, 40 if you count Sheik, Zero Suit Samus, Squirtle, Ivysaur, and Charizard as separate characters. Since these entries are already wasting enough of everyone's time, I'll condense it down to 35.
Bowser is the creepy obese neighbor down the street that always stares at you when you walk or drive past his house. He doesn't understand why women are grossed out by him(it couldn't possibly be because of his crazy eyebrows or disgusting skin condition, right?), so he ends up kidnapping one out of insanity and loneliness and the next thing you know, your block is taped off by police and he's made national news for trying to recreate the skin suit from Silence Of The Lambs.
Whenever I see Captain Falcon, the first thing that pops into my head is "overcompensating." He's the guy that lives at the gym, wears skintight clothes to show off his bulging muscles, and does his best to prove how macho he is by yelling about punches and kicks all the time. In reality, however, he enjoys crossdressing. Plain and simple. Stop trying so hard, Captain Falcon, we'll accept you no matter what.
I don't have younger siblings, so I can't really relate to this scenario too much, but I imagine that Diddy Kong would be very similar to the obnoxious younger brother that never knows when to leave you and your friends alone. When he's not being bratty and throwing stuff at you, he's trying to do cartwheels and flips and stuff to get your attention and show off. You hope that one day he'll grow up and become tolerable, but so far his behavior is not indicative of that ever happening.
Your best friend's dad with a serious aggression problem. Your parents are wary of letting you go over to their house anymore, because every time you come home, you start talking about how he punched a hole in the wall or punted a cat across two of their neighbors' yards and how cool it was, and you're too young to understand that kicking a cat that hard is not only painful to the cat, but probably caused some serious internal damage and animal abuse is horrid and illegal. He used to be a cage fighter, which explains why he doesn't know how to read anymore.
Think back to high school for a moment. Do you remember the "cool" group? Not necessarily football players or popular kids, but that one group that just radiated awesomeness. Maybe they smoked and that made them badass, or they all had cars and you were still riding your Barbie bike at 16 years old, hiding it in the bushes behind the school so that nobody knew your only mode of transportation was pink and made out of mostly plastic. Falco is the guy in that group that's not necessarily the top dog or leader, but is generally considered to be the coolest member. He has a mohawk and is easily the best dressed out of everyone, and probably has some kind of future as an artist or rock star.
Fox would be the leader of Falco's group. Everyone kind of thinks he's a douche bag, and the only reason he's considered the leader is because he has the coolest car and is dating the hottest girl in school. He's not as well-liked as Falco, but more people know of him, thus making him popular. He brags about "hitting it" on a regular basis, and everyone just kind of rolls their eyes and hopes he gets some sort of STD, which is bound to happen because have you ever met a girl named Krystal that doesn't strip or work on a corner somewhere? Two sluts in one relationship is bound to result in some kind of venereal breeding ground.
Ganondorf is the big guy in a bar that tries to act tough, but in an actual fight, he'd get his ass kicked by someone half his size. Slow and dumb, he's pretty much useless aside from maybe moving wood or something. Basically, keep him away from anything he could hurt himself with. Problem solving and critical thinking are not his strong suits.
Do you know that really obnoxious couple that does everything together, and post stuff on Facebook about how much they miss each other if they've been apart for more than a couple hours? Then you're familiar with the Ice Climbers. They love hiking and mountain climbing, and aren't afraid to brag about what mountains they've scaled and how much they love to exercise, making you feel self conscious about staying in your pajamas for three or four days in a row eating nothing but cereal and an entire box of oreos because you felt like it. They probably have carabiners on their key chains just to show the world how much they like fitness. Douche bags.
Ike is the white guy that thinks he's Asian. He's trained in martial arts his whole life, loves anime, and regularly tries speaking in broken Japanese, especially in sushi restaurants, in an attempt to show off to actual Asians. All wapanese annoyances aside, he's actually a kick ass fighter that can do some serious damage; kind of the opposite of Ganondorf. It wouldn't hurt to be nice to him even though you don't really want to be friends, because if you ever get in a fight and he's around, maybe he'll back you up because you're too much of a coward to actually punch someone in the face because you've never done it before and it scares you a little bit. Plus, that way he won't potentially shoot you if he ever goes on a rampage for being misunderstood and bullied.
And this concludes part one. Three more parts are coming soon! Let me know what you think about this concept, it was pretty fun to write.
Oh my gosh! It's all so true! The depth you go into makes it quite clear how much time you've dedicated to the game lol
ReplyDeleteThank you, I normally can't find the right outlet to brag about how much time I waste. It seems my own blog fits the bill!
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