Saturday, December 11, 2010

My Parents Are Weirder Than Your Parents. Unfortunately.

One of the joys of living at home past adulthood is realizing all the strange things your parents do that you didn't really notice as a kid. My mom, like many parents, is technologically illiterate, thus depends on me to show her how to do things like attach a picture to an email roughly six hundred times and explain that the computer running slowly is not because our internet speed is lacking, but because she doesn't seem to think having somewhere around 15 Internet Explorer windows open at one time should be a problem(I have multiple frustrations with this particular scenario. One, that she insists on using Internet Explorer, the browser equivalent of using a boat anchor to keep yourself afloat, and two, that in the year 2010, I have to constantly explain what the internet is). 


Based on the knowledge above, her computer habits should come as no surprise to me. Let me go down a short list of things she likes to do.


1. Go to her home page between every website.


2. Type "Google" into Yahoo! Search.


3. To further elaborate on the above scenario, she searches for absolutely everything, e.g. Macy's, Amazon, eBay, what have you. The concept of an address bar is completely nonexistent in her universe.


4. Bookmarks everything, because it's apparently impossible to return to a website through any other means.


This is after I spent an entire day with her, repeatedly demonstrating how to delete a file. I think she cleaned out somewhere around 1,000.

5. Turns the volume all the way up every time she gets on the computer, and then scares herself when something starts playing and asks why the volume is so loud.

6. Thinks you have to sign into an email account to access the internet, and becomes distraught when somebody signs her out because "she's going to lose her favorites."

But technology is not the only thing that brings out her quirks. My mom probably has severe OCD, because her penchant for cleanliness is unmatched by anybody else I've ever met. The amount of times she wipes down counters has turned into a drinking game for my family. Dinner parties usually turn into a drunken affair. Every time she realizes we're watching her wipe down the sink, she has this guilty look on her face like a kid that was just caught trying to sneak a cookie before dinner, or something equally cliche.

Note the dishrag. Also, in reality, there would NOT be a puddle of water on the floor because my mom's worst fear is getting water on the floor. This is a dramatization.

My dad is no champion of normalcy himself. Much more carefree than my mother, he tends to venture into the embarrassing territory of "I have no shame," making inappropriate jokes and changing lyrics to songs he feels better fit the current situation. The inspiration for this post actually occurred tonight; my parents and I are sick, just one of the many perks of living in a relatively small house with three people, and I eat breakfast food almost entirely when I'm ill, so I made some awesome French toast for us(come to think of it, I pretty much eat nothing but breakfast food, it's no longer exclusive to mornings and sickness. I just realized that if you read that sentence quickly, it would say something about morning sickness. I'm not pregnant.). While eating our French toast, my parents turned on Wheel of Fortune, because they love game shows in a way that is usually reserved for 80 year olds. 

Seriously, they analyze the hell out of game shows. My mom is usually visibly upset for the people that don't win anything. If you read through my posts and wonder why I'm so abnormal, this post should give you a few good reasons.

So anyway, we're watching Wheel of Fortune, and one puzzle is categorized under 'lyrics' and turns out to say "I've got sunshine on a cloudy day," a line from the song "My Girl" by The Temptations. Immediately, both my parents start singing the song, and trust me, neither of them should be singing. My mom takes this opportunity to direct her singing at our cat, who could not care less if she tried, while my dad decides to take artistic license and change the words "my girl" to "french toast." In case you're having a hard time thinking of how the lyrics go, and you really want to know how absurd it is, allow me to help you.

I've got sunshine
On a cloudy day.
When it's cold outside,
I've got the month of May.


Well, I guess you'll say

What can make me feel this way?
My girl. (My girl, my girl) French toast. (French toast, French toast)
Talkin' 'bout my girl. (My girl) French toast. (French toast)



I've got so much honey

The bees envy me.
I've got a sweeter song

Than the birds in the trees.

Well, I guess you'll say
What can make me feel this way?

My girl. (My girl, my girl) French toast. (French toast, French toast)

Talkin' 'bout my girl. (My girl) French toast. (French toast)


Ooooh, Hoooo.



Hey, hey, hey.

Hey, hey, hey.



I don't need no money,

Fortune or fame.
I've got all the riches, baby,
One man can claim.



Well, I guess you'll say

What can make me feel this way?
My girl. (My girl, my girl) French toast. (French toast, French toast)
Talkin' 'bout my girl. (My girl) French toast. (French toast)



Talkin' bout my girl. French toast.

I've got sushine on cloudy day
With my girl. French toast.
I've even got the month of May

With my girl French toast. 


He sang the whole song. This kind of insanity is what my daily life consists of. 

Live blogging moment: I'm currently listening to them analyze "What Not To Wear" in the living room, a show that could not be broken down any further if TLC hired Ernest Walton and John Cockroft, the first men to split the atom.

Live blogging moment #2: My dad just walked in the room, snapped his fingers at me, and in some kind of Solid Snake/Barry White impression, said "That's what I'm talking about." I don't know what, or why, or...why? What? I don't know what to think anymore.

I need my own place.

Update 12/11/10: My dad tried to convince me to go Christmas shopping with him today, despite the fact that both of us are completely done shopping for the season. When I told him I didn't want to go, and asked why he did, he just sang "It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas" and called me Ebenezer Meier.








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