Super Smash Bros Brawl, Pt.2: Childhood obesity, furries, and Napoleon.

Hi, readers! This is part two of my Super Smash Bros character opinion series. I hope you liked the first one, because you're going to keep reading them. This is where I would attempt to control you with my eyes.

Jigglypuff
In many ways, just a typical annoying five year old girl. She loves to sing. All. The. Time. She gets especially frustrated when you don't pay enough attention to her, and when she's mad enough, becomes a psychotic demon child that relieves her frustrations by hitting you. Thankfully, her tiny fists don't do a whole lot of damage, but she, like all children, has the ability to hit you right in the spot that should never be hit. Jigglypuff will grow up to be the crazy girlfriend that most guys drink to forget.

King Dedede
The ultimate bachelor. He played football in high school, but really let himself go after graduation. Attended a local junior college for a couple years, but found that waking up before 2 PM was becoming problematic, and dropped out of Auto Mechanics 101 to give himself more time for things like not working and clogging his arteries. His kitchen is now more of a storage shed, and why buy a safe for all of your irreplaceable belongings when you can just store them in the oven? Trashcans are irrelevant, which is evident by the three inches of fast food wrappers on the floor in nearly every room.

Kirby
Kirby's the sole fat kid in your first grade class. It's not really his fault, it's not like he's inactive or anything, his parents just don't understand how to teach good eating habits to their children. Oh, you'll make fun of him. Everybody else does! But just wait until he's a linebacker for the NFL and marries what you thought was your wife. He'll deliver the divorce papers himself, right as he charges over you with all 300 pounds of pent-up elementary school aggression.

Link
Poor Link. He's the computer addict that dates the first girl he finds on the internet willing to put up with his overuse of emoticons and ridiculously obnoxious proclamations of love. His constant talk of meeting up in real life and doing everything in his power to find her will eventually result in being single again, because no girl looking for a boyfriend on the internet is interested in commitment. Or stalkers.

Lucario
Lucario seems like a pretty normal guy; friendly and polite enough to not be suspicious to others. Too bad he's a furry. Yep, he gets off on anthropomorphic animal pornography. In fact, he even has his very own "fur suit,"and if you don't know what that is, then I wish I could live a day in your life so that I can have some peace from my own mind.

Lucas
Lucas is the kid that comes from an insanely Christian family, and isn't allowed to do any of the things the other kids are doing. His parents don't even let him play with Pokemon cards, because they believes Pokemon is an instrument of the devil. Always pious, he's quick to tell you when your actions are immoral and openly judges the other children. When he gets older, kids will probably refer to him as Hitler because of his totalitarian behavior and Aryan appearance.

Luigi
We all have one. That friend, relative, acquaintance, etc., that takes offense to everything you say and always walks off upset. Everyone has to walk on eggshells around Luigi, and frankly, they're tired of putting up with it. If nothing else, the mustache is an indicator that he's a grown man, and he needs to start acting like it, or he's not going to get invited to the Christmas party and I'm not gonna be the one that has to explain to him why nobody asked him to come. It's always me that has to deal with this situation, and I'm not doing it anymore.

Mario
The guy that takes charge in every situation. In school? He did all the projects himself, because he knew he would do them correctly, and everyone else would just screw it up. At work? If it was up to him, he would work alone, and he could probably run an entire business a whole lot more efficiently if he didn't have to deal with coworkers getting in his way. And why shouldn't he think that way? Isn't he better than all the others? Maybe it's a Napoleon complex, he's trying to dominate everything because he feels physically inferior to those around him.

Marth
Marth is a really, really effeminate gay guy. He doesn't realize that he's an insult to the gay community, because he purposefully tries to adhere to all the typical gay stereotypes in a failed attempt to be accepted. He wears a headband and full make up, and makes jokes all the time about "sword fighting." Seriously, Marth, stop trying so hard. It's embarrassing.

Meta Knight
Meta Knight's parents spoil him like crazy. His favorite holiday is Halloween, and his parents buy him the best, most expensive costume every single year. And he loves it so much, he refuses to take it off for weeks. At least he's grateful. Meanwhile, you're stuck wearing an orange garbage bag and trying to convince people you're a pumpkin, even though you just look like a homeless person wearing a makeshift poncho. The fact that you haven't bathed in a few days and smell pretty bad doesn't help your case. One family even called Child Protective Services. Maybe next year, you should just stay home.




And that was part two. Seriously, give me some feedback! I want to know you're enjoying these. And that's ALL I want to know.

Things that aren't cool.

Eyes

People touching their eyes is only slightly more horrible than this drawing. Hands are hard to draw, okay? I feel like, somehow, nature anticipated the onset of this fear and gave me perfect vision. I guess if my vision suddenly deteriorates, glasses are always an option, but contacts would absolutely be out of the question. Touching my eye? No, nope, no way. Not gonna happen. I can't explain why this freaks me out so much, but every time I see somebody touch their eye, or nearly touch their eye, or...things with eyes...I go into a thrashing fit until they're not doing it anymore. I can't handle it.

My body wash

Okay, I get that based on precedence, it seems like I have a serious aversion to bathing. That's not the case. I like taking showers, I like being clean, I just have a hard time finding the motivation to actually move sometimes. That, and the fact that my body wash is like rubbing yourself with congealed sand. It's Dove, so you'd think their experience in the soap industry would help avoid catastrophes like this, but no. It was the biggest and cheapest bottle of body wash Target had at the time, and since I don't have a job anymore, it seemed like a deal I wouldn't regret.

Think again, Drew.

It has the texture of fine sand mixed in with animal fat; goopy and rough. Plus, the lid likes to slam shut on its own, which tends to happen in mid-squeeze. Every single time, it shoots blobs of "soap" directly into my eyes, and it hurts. Words cannot express how much I hate this stuff. I'm going to use it all, because not only am I stubborn, but I spent the money and I'm too poor to waste it and buy new stuff. Trust me, I'm not happy about it whatsoever. I understand now why it was so cheap to begin with. Nobody wanted it, and I fell for their stupid ploy to pass on what can only be described as a grainy lipid to unsuspecting customers.

Christina Aguilera

Maybe I'm being harsh, I don't know. Hatred is the horse blinder of the emotional world. If you want to hear my reasoning for why I dislike her so much, go ahead and read this. I won't rehash everything again, but I really, really wanted to post that drawing. In spite of the contents, it's truly nothing short of a masterpiece.

Mouth issues

Personally, a nice smile is one of the biggest things I notice when I'm judging someone's attractiveness. I get that some people don't have the money to fix their teeth or whatever, but I can't help that it just bothers me. And there's a difference between teeth that aren't perfect, and teeth that could allow someone to eat an apple through a picket fence. If you have difficulty closing your mouth or speaking correctly because of your dental situation, it's time to take out a loan and get that shit fixed.

Bad breath, on the other hand, is something that I have yet to learn how to tolerate. Somehow, I always manage to attract people with breath as rancid as the box of month old pasta I found crammed behind my desk last night(I truly have no idea how it managed to fall back there and not be noticed for as long as it was. I didn't even smell it; I happened to be cleaning my room and threw it out before it developed sentient life and tried to murder me in my sleep). It seems like the people that should respect personal space the most have no concept of personal space at all, because not only are they attracted to me for whatever reason, but they think it's necessary to maintain a distance of roughly three inches from my face at all times during the conversation.

Attempting to remain interested in the conversation is next to impossible, because the entire time, I'm screaming at them in my head and doing my best to not lose consciousness from the noxious fumes being exhaled directly onto my unprotected face.

Hot weather

Hot weather is the bane of my existence. Not only is it uncool, but it's uncool. Every year, when summer rolls around, I become even more unproductive than I already am, something I truly didn't think possible. In my ideal world, the temperature would never go above 75 Fahrenheit and everybody would get out of my way on the road, because I know how to drive and they don't.

I can't decide who's the bigger ass hole, the sun or society; society, because it decided that it's normal to function during the day when it's freaking hot outside, or the sun, for making it freaking hot outside.

Leave a comment or six and tell me some stuff you would consider lame!

Super Smash Bros Brawl, Pt.1: Skin suits, crossdressing, and exercising.

I have no shame in admitting it. I'm a huge nerd. I love video games, and have spent an inordinate amount of time playing them. My family is under the impression that video games are meant to be played solely by kids 12 and under, and constantly tell me to grow up. If this blog is any indication, that won't be happening any time soon.


One of my favorite game series has always been Super Smash Bros. As a kid, I played the original on my N64, and have given ample time to both sequels, most notably Brawl. In fact, I just finished a four hour marathon of sitting in my dark room, curtains drawn, mumbling to myself as I kicked the asses of all who came my way. I'm the type of person that talks smack when I'm playing video games, and because of this, I've formed some heavy handed opinions on the playable characters in Super Smash Brothers Brawl. Because I have no life, and I assume you're in the same boat if you have time to read any of this, this will be part one of a series of Brawl character breakdowns.


I'm going in alphabetical order; there are technically 35 characters in the game, 40 if you count Sheik, Zero Suit Samus, Squirtle, Ivysaur, and Charizard as separate characters. Since these entries are already wasting enough of everyone's time, I'll condense it down to 35.

Bowser
Bowser is the creepy obese neighbor down the street that always stares at you when you walk or drive past his house. He doesn't understand why women are grossed out by him(it couldn't possibly be because of his crazy eyebrows or disgusting skin condition, right?), so he ends up kidnapping one out of insanity and loneliness and the next thing you know, your block is taped off by police and he's made national news for trying to recreate the skin suit from Silence Of The Lambs.

Captain Falcon
Whenever I see Captain Falcon, the first thing that pops into my head is "overcompensating." He's the guy that lives at the gym, wears skintight clothes to show off his bulging muscles, and does his best to prove how macho he is by yelling about punches and kicks all the time. In reality, however, he enjoys crossdressing. Plain and simple. Stop trying so hard, Captain Falcon, we'll accept you no matter what.

 Diddy Kong
I don't have younger siblings, so I can't really relate to this scenario too much, but I imagine that Diddy Kong would be very similar to the obnoxious younger brother that never knows when to leave you and your friends alone. When he's not being bratty and throwing stuff at you, he's trying to do cartwheels and flips and stuff to get your attention and show off. You hope that one day he'll grow up and become tolerable, but so far his behavior is not indicative of that ever happening.

Donkey Kong
Your best friend's dad with a serious aggression problem. Your parents are wary of letting you go over to their house anymore, because every time you come home, you start talking about how he punched a hole in the wall or punted a cat across two of their neighbors' yards and how cool it was, and you're too young to understand that kicking a cat that hard is not only painful to the cat, but probably caused some serious internal damage and animal abuse is horrid and illegal. He used to be a cage fighter, which explains why he doesn't know how to read anymore.

Falco
Think back to high school for a moment. Do you remember the "cool" group? Not necessarily football players or popular kids, but that one group that just radiated awesomeness. Maybe they smoked and that made them badass, or they all had cars and you were still riding your Barbie bike at 16 years old, hiding it in the bushes behind the school so that nobody knew your only mode of transportation was pink and made out of mostly plastic. Falco is the guy in that group that's not necessarily the top dog or leader, but is generally considered to be the coolest member. He has a mohawk and is easily the best dressed out of everyone, and probably has some kind of future as an artist or rock star.

Fox
Fox would be the leader of Falco's group. Everyone kind of thinks he's a douche bag, and the only reason he's considered the leader is because he has the coolest car and is dating the hottest girl in school. He's not as well-liked as Falco, but more people know of him, thus making him popular. He brags about "hitting it" on a regular basis, and everyone just kind of rolls their eyes and hopes he gets some sort of STD, which is bound to happen because have you ever met a girl named Krystal that doesn't strip or work on a corner somewhere? Two sluts in one relationship is bound to result in some kind of venereal breeding ground.

Ganondorf
Ganondorf is the big guy in a bar that tries to act tough, but in an actual fight, he'd get his ass kicked by someone half his size. Slow and dumb, he's pretty much useless aside from maybe moving wood or something. Basically, keep him away from anything he could hurt himself with. Problem solving and critical thinking are not his strong suits.

Ice Climbers
Do you know that really obnoxious couple that does everything together, and post stuff on Facebook about how much they miss each other if they've been apart for more than a couple hours? Then you're familiar with the Ice Climbers. They love hiking and mountain climbing, and aren't afraid to brag about what mountains they've scaled and how much they love to exercise, making you feel self conscious about staying in your pajamas for three or four days in a row eating nothing but cereal and an entire box of oreos because you felt like it. They probably have carabiners on their key chains just to show the world how much they like fitness. Douche bags.

Ike
Ike is the white guy that thinks he's Asian. He's trained in martial arts his whole life, loves anime, and regularly tries speaking in broken Japanese, especially in sushi restaurants, in an attempt to show off to actual Asians. All wapanese annoyances aside, he's actually a kick ass fighter that can do some serious damage; kind of the opposite of Ganondorf. It wouldn't hurt to be nice to him even though you don't really want to be friends, because if you ever get in a fight and he's around, maybe he'll back you up because you're too much of a coward to actually punch someone in the face because you've never done it before and it scares you a little bit. Plus, that way he won't potentially shoot you if he ever goes on a rampage for being misunderstood and bullied.




And this concludes part one. Three more parts are coming soon! Let me know what you think about this concept, it was pretty fun to write.