The Problem with Christina Aguilera

There are some people in this world that just rub you the wrong way in every sense of the phrase. And then there are some people that you abhor so much, the thought of them rubbing you at all results in the skin crawling off your body; if your loathing is strong enough, the thought of sharing the same planet/oxygen/species with that person is vile.


My feelings for Christina Aguilera lie somewhere between "Dear God, do not let her rub me, do not let her rub me, do not touch me, I promise I'll never ask for anything ever again," and "I'm thinking of volunteering to be one of those two people that are going to live on Mars for the rest of their lives just so that I don't share the same atmosphere with her anymore."


I don't want to seem like a hateful or mean person, especially when I'm trying to build a reputation in some kind of small, practically microscopic, blogging community that currently consists of only myself and a friend that likes to leave overtly sexual comments on everything I do. But proclaiming my feelings toward Christina Aguilera is worthy of potentially tearing down all the work I've done to build myself up in this microcosm of a web society.

First of all, let's get the physical appearance issues out of the way. Frankly, she looks like a clown. I'm terrified of clowns, so using these pictures was a bold choice on my part. There were actually image results of her in full clown makeup, but I don't think my fragile psyche could take that.


I'm so afraid of clowns that once I was in a store with my mom, and a couple of clowns literally walked in the store, saw me, and thought I would enjoy being "entertained." I ended up throwing myself on the ground and screaming while a couple of middle-aged clowns danced around me, my mom being torn between stopping me from making a scene and ignoring my blood-curdling cries for help in an attempt to make me get over the irrational fear. Reluctantly, she pulled me away from the clowns, but I flopped onto the ground out of sheer exhaustion from just being confronted with, at the time, the greatest evil I imagined the world could conceive.


She can't seem to settle on a look that doesn't fall somewhere between hideous, terrifying, and try-hard. I think there might be a spot for her on the Jersey Shore. Overly tanned and platinum blond hair only works for George Hamilton, and I'm not sure, but I have a feeling the bright red lipstick would work better on him too.


Outer beauty is not the only thing she doesn't possess; her attitude is just as orange-ly hideous as her harlequin exterior. She's well known in Hollywood for constantly being rude to other people and celebrities. Just from my own knowledge, she's insulted Lady Gaga on multiple occasions, someone that I consider myself a fan of. Saying she has "no clue who that person is," and wondering if "it is a man or a woman." U in danga, girl. A quick Google search of "Christina Aguilera has a bad attitude" yields top results from A list celebrities Valerie Bertinelli and Vin Diesel complaining about her behavior, and then the most shocking display of disrespect, "Christina Aguilera Displays Bad Attitude at Sea World." I can handle celebrities being insulted, but once you mess with sea animals, someone better hold my hoops.


Aside from her treatment of celebrities and aquatic life, she's not afraid to hide her bitchiness from regular people; people like me, or you, that don't have mansions and millions of dollars and dorsal fins(though on multiple occasions, I've tried to convince people that I'm a dolphin. It doesn't end up working out very well. I'll keep trying). Here are two video examples of her behavior toward the "Average Joe," if you will. And you will, because that's what I typed.






In the first video, we see her ridicule an interviewer for coughing. In the second video, you hear her fans(delusional masochistic sheep) screaming how much they love her, and she repays them by pulling the gum out of her disgusting clown mouth and throwing it into the crowd. What a lovely, classy woman.


Onto her music. Let's face it, Christina Aguilera has always been second fiddle to pretty much everyone else. First, she tried to be sexy and slutty, talking about rubbing(I think I covered this at the beginning of the post) and being "dirrty." She was overshadowed by Britney Spears, and that's pretty embarrassing. Next, she tried to do the acoustic, soulful thing, which I think was when she first started to oversing EVERYTHING. This time around, she was out shined by Amy Winehouse. That's even more embarrassing. Then she took a four year break to have a very hairy baby, came out with Bionic this year, and was outperformed by nearly everybody else in the game at this point, including someone that has a dollar sign in her name and lives entirely off glitter and Jack Daniels. 


In my eyes, her only redeeming qualities reek of irony, failure, and desperation. My dislike for her has turned into some kind of circular, love-to-hate-to-love-to-hate never-ending cycle. Every time she flops, which is delightfully often, I can revel in her failure. But in order to flop, she must be promoted, so she continues to do and say obnoxious things, allowing my disdain to grow and grow, like some sort of pulsating boil crossbred with a weed.

Another way her existence brings me joy is the large variety of nicknames I'm able to give her. Much like Mr. Potato Head(Which in many ways is much like Christina Aguilera. Both come with huge red lips, are an unflattering shade of brownish orange, and were a whole lot more relevant in the 90s.), you are able to mix and match the different variations of her first and last names. For example:


-Floptina
-Irrelevantina
-Always-a-bridesmaid-tina
-Xtincta
-Haguilera
-Flopuilera
-Second-stringuilera


That's what I would call the starter kit. I have more in my arsenal, but because I'm one of those think-ahead kind of people, I'll keep them stored away for future use. I'm like a magician, I can't give away all my secrets. Or maybe...I can't reveal any secrets. I don't remember the exact saying. I guess I'm not really like a magician. Hm.