Super Smash Bros Brawl, Pt.4: PTSD, Cold War tensions, and well-adjusted females. Also, the finale.

Part four! It only took me a week to write, which is a new record for procrastination on a post. But it's cool, you guys are faithful, and I know you haven't been running around on me with other bloggers.

Snake
Ex military guy that seems to have forgotten he's back home. Runs a pretty tight ship at home and is determined to teach his son how to shoot any type of firearm by the time he's ten. Far too macho to deal with what might be a serious case of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, he's building a potentially unsafe obstacle course in his back yard to hang onto that "first boot camp experience" feeling.





Sonic
White guy that's gotten pretty deep into the urban hip-hop scene. His rhymes aren't exactly what some might call "funky fresh," though his sweet kicks and bangin' ride make up for what he lacks in musicality. He doesn't understand that acting urban doesn't automatically make you a member of the rap community, and open mic night at the local pizza joint isn't helping his delusions of grandeur. When asked where he is every Friday, Sonic does his best to convince people that he's playing a gig somewhere. If only they knew that he shares the stage with drunk middle aged women and a karaoke machine.




Toon Link
The really cool little brother that all of his older sibling's friends actually like having around. He gets that it's not cool to run and tell his parents everything, and is mature enough for his age to be entertaining. Brags at school about how he hangs out with high school kids, and has all of his fellow 7th graders in awe. He'll probably end up going to college parties with his brother once he's in high school, and his overinflated ego will get really annoying to all of his peers. Good for you, Toon Link, you go to parties. No1curr.




Wario
The guy that lives in your apartment next to you, and does not understand the concept of privacy. Or hygiene. He's constantly coming over, asking to borrow stuff, and never return everything; the last time he bathed, shaved, or even washed his hands has probably been weeks, leading into months. In a way, you're actually okay with him keeping the stuff you let him borrow, because chances are anything he returned would test positive for a whole slew of diseases and alien bacteria. Also, you wish the walls between your bedrooms were thicker. Gross.




Wolf
A Russian immigrant in the 1960s. Everybody is freaking terrified of him, because apparently Communism is just as contagious as the common cold and attacks much more swiftly. Everybody in the neighborhood is convinced that he's either a spy trying to steal Betty Smith's tuna fish casserole recipe, or some kind of Scorched Earth suicide bomber just waiting for the right time to blow up the neighborhood and turn it into Moscow's Pennsylvanian sister city. He's kicking himself for moving to America at the height of the Cold War, and he can't return to Russia because who knows if the ghost of Stalin is just waiting to fuck with him?




Yoshi
Immature man-child. Doesn't understand the concept of growing up and functioning on your own. Yoshi's at least in his mid-30s, lives at home, and has never had a real job of any sort. His bedroom hasn't changed since he was 12 years old, and his days consist of playing World of Warcraft, working on his "martial arts," and moderating his Battlestar Galactica forum. Ingests nothing but the pizza pockets and Rockstars his mom provides for him multiple times a day.


Zelda
The "hot" gamer chick that every lonely male gamer she's ever played with has asked to be his girlfriend. In reality, she's not what most people would consider hot, but any female that isn't grotesquely hideous is considered a goddess within the video gaming world. Plays male characters a lot because she's tired of getting hit on, and actually has a normal life outside of loving video games. She doesn't let anybody know about her nerdy hobbies, though; she has a reputation to uphold, after all.




All four parts are finally completed. I must be a moron of some sort, because I somehow ended up with 34 characters, when I initially counted 35. I never said I was good at math, by the way, so don't start pointing fingers at me and agreeing that I'm a moron. It's cool when I insult myself, not when you do it. Especially when you have good reason to.


So if you guys liked this series, I might do it with other video games I've played too. They'd probably be shorter, since most games don't have 34, or 35, or 40...or however many characters. That might actually be better for my attention span.

Beyonce doesn't know what she's talking about.

If you're familiar with pop music, then you probably know the song "Irreplaceable," by Beyonce Knowles. In reality, she's singing the song to a guy; probably not Jay-Z. To make the song more fun, in my mind, I like to think she's singing it to her vacation weave. While the two are truly inseparable, it's fun to imagine that their relationship might be tumultuous at times and Bey has enough money that the occasional warning about buying a new lacefront is no idle threat.


I, on the other hand, would never threaten my most prized and valued possessions with potential replacement; in fact, there's a handful that I can't get through a normal day without.

My phone

When I wake up, I check it. When I eat breakfast, I check it. When I breathe, I check it. It's my main lifeline to the outside world, and even more so now that my laptop decided to abandon me. It's beautiful and makes seagull noises, a service that nothing else in my life can provide, barring an actual seagull becoming part of my everyday life.

My wii

I love my wii; I play it nearly every day. The sheer number of hours this thing has consumed of my life should probably be embarrassing, but my complete lack of shame has thankfully stopped that from happening. While Brawl has been my consistent obsession since I bought the console, Just Dance 2 has taken up a lot of my time in recent weeks. Sure, I can dance to Ke$ha and Donna Summer in my room whenever I want, but the game makes it slightly less weird; I'm doing it for points.

My tablet

Probably one of the best Christmas gifts I've ever gotten, I try to draw and write nearly every single day. It's a good creative outlet, and I never get tired of drawing myself riding on dinosaurs.  Viacom, if you're looking for an endorsement, look no further; I'm ready to whore myself out for whatever you're willing to pay me. On a slightly unrelated note, so far, everything I care about most is white. I wonder what that says about me.

Blankets

More specifically, the leopard print blanket I carry everywhere. It's warm, it makes me look like a pimp, and my cat likes me a whole lot more when I'm draped in what appears to be her cousin. I've answered the door on more than one occasion while it's wrapped around me like a cocoon, and the looks I've gotten from total strangers are truly Kodak moments.

Cereal

Aside from nacho cheese, cereal is my favorite food group. It is truly everything anybody needs to survive. When I get to the cereal aisle in the grocery store, I immediately transform into a five year old; buying a box of cereal I want is like waking up on Christmas morning and finding out every day for the rest of your life is going to be your birthday, and everybody will give you anything your tiny heart has ever desired. There is no better feeling on this planet.

Chloe

My cat. She both loves and despises me more than any other living thing on this planet. When she chooses to be awake, she follows me everywhere, and can never seem to get enough attention; when I choose for her to be awake, I feel she wants nothing more than for me to be dead. She's a total badass, and has killed probably thousands of animals, including snakes and jackrabbits.

What is something you can't get through the day without?

Super Smash Bros Brawl, Pt.1: Skin suits, crossdressing, and exercising.

I have no shame in admitting it. I'm a huge nerd. I love video games, and have spent an inordinate amount of time playing them. My family is under the impression that video games are meant to be played solely by kids 12 and under, and constantly tell me to grow up. If this blog is any indication, that won't be happening any time soon.


One of my favorite game series has always been Super Smash Bros. As a kid, I played the original on my N64, and have given ample time to both sequels, most notably Brawl. In fact, I just finished a four hour marathon of sitting in my dark room, curtains drawn, mumbling to myself as I kicked the asses of all who came my way. I'm the type of person that talks smack when I'm playing video games, and because of this, I've formed some heavy handed opinions on the playable characters in Super Smash Brothers Brawl. Because I have no life, and I assume you're in the same boat if you have time to read any of this, this will be part one of a series of Brawl character breakdowns.


I'm going in alphabetical order; there are technically 35 characters in the game, 40 if you count Sheik, Zero Suit Samus, Squirtle, Ivysaur, and Charizard as separate characters. Since these entries are already wasting enough of everyone's time, I'll condense it down to 35.

Bowser
Bowser is the creepy obese neighbor down the street that always stares at you when you walk or drive past his house. He doesn't understand why women are grossed out by him(it couldn't possibly be because of his crazy eyebrows or disgusting skin condition, right?), so he ends up kidnapping one out of insanity and loneliness and the next thing you know, your block is taped off by police and he's made national news for trying to recreate the skin suit from Silence Of The Lambs.

Captain Falcon
Whenever I see Captain Falcon, the first thing that pops into my head is "overcompensating." He's the guy that lives at the gym, wears skintight clothes to show off his bulging muscles, and does his best to prove how macho he is by yelling about punches and kicks all the time. In reality, however, he enjoys crossdressing. Plain and simple. Stop trying so hard, Captain Falcon, we'll accept you no matter what.

 Diddy Kong
I don't have younger siblings, so I can't really relate to this scenario too much, but I imagine that Diddy Kong would be very similar to the obnoxious younger brother that never knows when to leave you and your friends alone. When he's not being bratty and throwing stuff at you, he's trying to do cartwheels and flips and stuff to get your attention and show off. You hope that one day he'll grow up and become tolerable, but so far his behavior is not indicative of that ever happening.

Donkey Kong
Your best friend's dad with a serious aggression problem. Your parents are wary of letting you go over to their house anymore, because every time you come home, you start talking about how he punched a hole in the wall or punted a cat across two of their neighbors' yards and how cool it was, and you're too young to understand that kicking a cat that hard is not only painful to the cat, but probably caused some serious internal damage and animal abuse is horrid and illegal. He used to be a cage fighter, which explains why he doesn't know how to read anymore.

Falco
Think back to high school for a moment. Do you remember the "cool" group? Not necessarily football players or popular kids, but that one group that just radiated awesomeness. Maybe they smoked and that made them badass, or they all had cars and you were still riding your Barbie bike at 16 years old, hiding it in the bushes behind the school so that nobody knew your only mode of transportation was pink and made out of mostly plastic. Falco is the guy in that group that's not necessarily the top dog or leader, but is generally considered to be the coolest member. He has a mohawk and is easily the best dressed out of everyone, and probably has some kind of future as an artist or rock star.

Fox
Fox would be the leader of Falco's group. Everyone kind of thinks he's a douche bag, and the only reason he's considered the leader is because he has the coolest car and is dating the hottest girl in school. He's not as well-liked as Falco, but more people know of him, thus making him popular. He brags about "hitting it" on a regular basis, and everyone just kind of rolls their eyes and hopes he gets some sort of STD, which is bound to happen because have you ever met a girl named Krystal that doesn't strip or work on a corner somewhere? Two sluts in one relationship is bound to result in some kind of venereal breeding ground.

Ganondorf
Ganondorf is the big guy in a bar that tries to act tough, but in an actual fight, he'd get his ass kicked by someone half his size. Slow and dumb, he's pretty much useless aside from maybe moving wood or something. Basically, keep him away from anything he could hurt himself with. Problem solving and critical thinking are not his strong suits.

Ice Climbers
Do you know that really obnoxious couple that does everything together, and post stuff on Facebook about how much they miss each other if they've been apart for more than a couple hours? Then you're familiar with the Ice Climbers. They love hiking and mountain climbing, and aren't afraid to brag about what mountains they've scaled and how much they love to exercise, making you feel self conscious about staying in your pajamas for three or four days in a row eating nothing but cereal and an entire box of oreos because you felt like it. They probably have carabiners on their key chains just to show the world how much they like fitness. Douche bags.

Ike
Ike is the white guy that thinks he's Asian. He's trained in martial arts his whole life, loves anime, and regularly tries speaking in broken Japanese, especially in sushi restaurants, in an attempt to show off to actual Asians. All wapanese annoyances aside, he's actually a kick ass fighter that can do some serious damage; kind of the opposite of Ganondorf. It wouldn't hurt to be nice to him even though you don't really want to be friends, because if you ever get in a fight and he's around, maybe he'll back you up because you're too much of a coward to actually punch someone in the face because you've never done it before and it scares you a little bit. Plus, that way he won't potentially shoot you if he ever goes on a rampage for being misunderstood and bullied.




And this concludes part one. Three more parts are coming soon! Let me know what you think about this concept, it was pretty fun to write.