Super Smash Bros Brawl, Pt.4: PTSD, Cold War tensions, and well-adjusted females. Also, the finale.

Part four! It only took me a week to write, which is a new record for procrastination on a post. But it's cool, you guys are faithful, and I know you haven't been running around on me with other bloggers.

Snake
Ex military guy that seems to have forgotten he's back home. Runs a pretty tight ship at home and is determined to teach his son how to shoot any type of firearm by the time he's ten. Far too macho to deal with what might be a serious case of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, he's building a potentially unsafe obstacle course in his back yard to hang onto that "first boot camp experience" feeling.





Sonic
White guy that's gotten pretty deep into the urban hip-hop scene. His rhymes aren't exactly what some might call "funky fresh," though his sweet kicks and bangin' ride make up for what he lacks in musicality. He doesn't understand that acting urban doesn't automatically make you a member of the rap community, and open mic night at the local pizza joint isn't helping his delusions of grandeur. When asked where he is every Friday, Sonic does his best to convince people that he's playing a gig somewhere. If only they knew that he shares the stage with drunk middle aged women and a karaoke machine.




Toon Link
The really cool little brother that all of his older sibling's friends actually like having around. He gets that it's not cool to run and tell his parents everything, and is mature enough for his age to be entertaining. Brags at school about how he hangs out with high school kids, and has all of his fellow 7th graders in awe. He'll probably end up going to college parties with his brother once he's in high school, and his overinflated ego will get really annoying to all of his peers. Good for you, Toon Link, you go to parties. No1curr.




Wario
The guy that lives in your apartment next to you, and does not understand the concept of privacy. Or hygiene. He's constantly coming over, asking to borrow stuff, and never return everything; the last time he bathed, shaved, or even washed his hands has probably been weeks, leading into months. In a way, you're actually okay with him keeping the stuff you let him borrow, because chances are anything he returned would test positive for a whole slew of diseases and alien bacteria. Also, you wish the walls between your bedrooms were thicker. Gross.




Wolf
A Russian immigrant in the 1960s. Everybody is freaking terrified of him, because apparently Communism is just as contagious as the common cold and attacks much more swiftly. Everybody in the neighborhood is convinced that he's either a spy trying to steal Betty Smith's tuna fish casserole recipe, or some kind of Scorched Earth suicide bomber just waiting for the right time to blow up the neighborhood and turn it into Moscow's Pennsylvanian sister city. He's kicking himself for moving to America at the height of the Cold War, and he can't return to Russia because who knows if the ghost of Stalin is just waiting to fuck with him?




Yoshi
Immature man-child. Doesn't understand the concept of growing up and functioning on your own. Yoshi's at least in his mid-30s, lives at home, and has never had a real job of any sort. His bedroom hasn't changed since he was 12 years old, and his days consist of playing World of Warcraft, working on his "martial arts," and moderating his Battlestar Galactica forum. Ingests nothing but the pizza pockets and Rockstars his mom provides for him multiple times a day.


Zelda
The "hot" gamer chick that every lonely male gamer she's ever played with has asked to be his girlfriend. In reality, she's not what most people would consider hot, but any female that isn't grotesquely hideous is considered a goddess within the video gaming world. Plays male characters a lot because she's tired of getting hit on, and actually has a normal life outside of loving video games. She doesn't let anybody know about her nerdy hobbies, though; she has a reputation to uphold, after all.




All four parts are finally completed. I must be a moron of some sort, because I somehow ended up with 34 characters, when I initially counted 35. I never said I was good at math, by the way, so don't start pointing fingers at me and agreeing that I'm a moron. It's cool when I insult myself, not when you do it. Especially when you have good reason to.


So if you guys liked this series, I might do it with other video games I've played too. They'd probably be shorter, since most games don't have 34, or 35, or 40...or however many characters. That might actually be better for my attention span.