My Contribution To The End Of The World

I used at least three water bottles today. They try to guilt me into feeling bad about it, too. No, not "they," that ever-mysterious group of people that seems to do, say, and think everything that has ever been done, said, or thought. By the way, where do they find the time? I have no life and I barely manage to contribute anything to society. 


I wonder if they have one of those time turner things from the third Harry Potter book. I totally think that was a deus ex machina. Hermione suddenly has a device that can turn back time and stop all the bad things that happened from happening? Don't even try to convince me otherwise, saying oh, it was just a coincidence! There are no coincidences in British literature. Go find a major coincidence in a book written by someone from England and prove me wrong. The only rule is that you can't read "Oliver Twist" by Charles Dickens, because I know of a major coincidence in that book and bringing it up would just prove me wrong. And that's not fair, because proving me wrong is actually against the second rule that says it's against the rules to prove me wrong. Or, oh, JK Rowling had that planned all along! She had all those classes at the same times, so she needed it to get to them, and they just happened to need what is basically a time machine the same school year. I will bet big money(lol) that JK Rowling added that necklace at the end and went back through the book, looking for a way to make it seem like it fit in with the storyline so that someone on a blog years later wouldn't call her out for it.


But I digress.


It is not "they" who are trying to make me feel guilty, it is the water bottle. It has the recycling emblem on it; you know, the three arrows that make some kind of triangular shape. Right below that, it says "CA Refund!" in big, bold letters, as if to say, "Recycle me! I'll reward you with five cents for momentarily casting aside your ever-present laziness!"


You can't fool me, water bottle. If it so much as takes up six cents of gas to drive to and from the recycling center closest to my house, then your trickery is wasted on me and a landfill somewhere will be glad to have you. My anger subsides quickly, though, because I feel a kinship with you, water bottle. Your stubbornness in the face of good sense is something I can relate to, as evidenced by your inability and unwillingness to break down for countless decades. 


We have so many commonalities, water bottle. Why do you guilt trip me into abandoning the laziness that has worked so well for me, for so long? And why do you make me realize that laziness has been counterproductive rather than helpful? You must be some kind of psychiatrist disguised as a water bottle. If this was a zombie apocalypse, I would keep you safe because you could help me cope with losing everything and everyone I loved, not to mention accepting the fact that all society has crumbled and we must rebuild everything, pending we live long enough to do so. I'd miss the internet. And my family. Assuming they would die. It's hard to say, because you can tell yourself you're prepared for a zombie outbreak, but I think if it were to actually happen, I would end up dying really quickly. The whole thing would catch me off guard and I'd end up getting eaten. I had a dream about the zombie apocalypse not too long ago, it was actually pretty awesome.


I was with this random group of people trying to board up a house, and all the zombies could see us but they didn't really care, which was weird. Anyway, we boarded up the main floor of the house and hid out in the basement, but the zombies broke in anyway and we destroyed the staircase. It would have been a good idea if we were on the second floor, but instead all the zombies fell into the basement like the yodeling mountain climber guy on The Price is Right when you go too high.

Go to about 1:10 to see what I'm talking about. That music is freaking sweet.

So we're sitting in this basement with a bunch of dead zombies, and I'm voted as the person to climb out a window and go get food or badgers or something. As I'm walking down the street, a zombie comes up and bites me. Instead of dying one of those horribly bloody deaths, I am IMMEDIATELY a zombie. I didn't even feel any pain. The best part is that zombies are totally lucid and have some kind of functioning society that consists of breaking into houses and playing video games. On top of that, they don't even need to eat human flesh, they just do it because they think it's funny to scare people. What my dream taught me is that my life would only minutely change if I turned into a zombie, and that maybe the zombie apocalypse would be something we as collective human beings should get behind.