Super Smash Bros. Brawl, Pt.3: Vietnam, whores, and stop having a boring tuna, stop having a boring life.

You've either loved the last two installments, or you're wondering why the hell you're still reading my blog because you don't like video games or zombies and there's nothing here for you. I'm slightly more than halfway done, 18 out of 35, so bear with me, and then bare with me, because things are about to get fun.


In case you haven't read the others, this is a series of posts on the characters of Super Smash Bros. Brawl, and what I imagine their personalities and back stories would be if they happened to be people.




Mr. Game & Watch

Your grandfather that has some pretty severe Vietnam flashbacks. You're in the middle of eating dinner with your family when your mom pulls out the broccoli, and he starts screaming something about jungles and the Vietcong. You can't throw out things like orange peels and moldy food because his parents went through the Depression, and they used damn near everything, and damn it, we're gonna use damn near everything too.

Ness

The Asian kid that's good at everything, so he's stereotypical. He's incredibly smart and will probably graduate college by the time he's 12. It's too bad he has absolutely no social skills and nobody will want to work with a 14-year-old with a very severe superiority complex. All he wanted to do was play baseball with the other kids, but no. He's not C-sian or B-sian, he's Asian.

Olimar
Burnout from the 70s that's still addicted to hallucinogens. Lives his life thinking he's crash landed on a strange, alien planet with a bunch of little creatures that come in a variety of vivid colors. He runs around with tin foil wrapped around his body and a glass bowl on his head telling people he's an astronaut.

Peach
Peach is a whore. Don't believe me? Let me Google that for you. Everybody I've ever spoken to that knows of Peach inexplicably shares this opinion with me. There's not much else to elaborate on; the game pretty much confirms my fantastical accusations, since she fights by throwing her ass at people and if you're familiar with something called the "ping pong ball trick," then you know where she pulls those turnips from.

Pikachu
Insanely annoying and hyperactive little kid. Whether they're a neighbor, cousin, or sibling, they've somehow picked you as their favorite person in the world and do everything in their power to track you down and irritate the hell out of you. Everything they touch becomes broken, and they always seem to want to play with your most valuable possessions. They're like an irreplaceable-object-seeking-missile, and keeping them out of your room and away from your stuff is priority number one, no matter what the other consequences might be.

Pit
Really, really dumb male model. He's the person that has done nothing to deserve all the attention he gets, aside from being born. Some people have all the luck, don't they? Always being flown around from one exotic photo shoot to another, he's completely out of touch with the real world and once asked if somebody could explain who Katrina was and why so many people in New Orleans seem to hate her. 

Pokemon Trainer
Pokemon Trainer is a coach that never succeeded at his own aspirations, so he lives vicariously through he people he trains. Exceptionally harsh in his methods, he channels all of his self hatred into coaching, which ranges from track(Squirtle) to shotput(Ivysaur) to weight lifting(Charizard). The problem with being hated by people in better shape than you is how easy it will be for them to kick your ass when they get tired of your bullshit.

R.O.B.
Techie. His main hobby is building computers, and because he puts so much of his free time into it, has let all of this relationships wither and die. Due to self-inflicted loneliness, he's turned into a complete and total internet porn addict. His hygiene is also questionable, since on more than one occasion, people have noticed that he smells like raw chicken.

Samus
Self-made millionaire that's totally addicted to plastic surgery. She made her money by inventing the SlapChop, and is now blowing it all on so many procedures that she'll be almost entirely plastic and silicone by the time either God or the government steps in to stop her from continuing to gradually take herself farther and farther away from being considered human.




Are you ready for part four? Because it's going to do one of two things: blow your mind, or completely obliterate your mind, body, and soul. Pick your poison, buckle up, and wait for me to get around to writing it.