My Contribution To The End Of The World

I used at least three water bottles today. They try to guilt me into feeling bad about it, too. No, not "they," that ever-mysterious group of people that seems to do, say, and think everything that has ever been done, said, or thought. By the way, where do they find the time? I have no life and I barely manage to contribute anything to society. 


I wonder if they have one of those time turner things from the third Harry Potter book. I totally think that was a deus ex machina. Hermione suddenly has a device that can turn back time and stop all the bad things that happened from happening? Don't even try to convince me otherwise, saying oh, it was just a coincidence! There are no coincidences in British literature. Go find a major coincidence in a book written by someone from England and prove me wrong. The only rule is that you can't read "Oliver Twist" by Charles Dickens, because I know of a major coincidence in that book and bringing it up would just prove me wrong. And that's not fair, because proving me wrong is actually against the second rule that says it's against the rules to prove me wrong. Or, oh, JK Rowling had that planned all along! She had all those classes at the same times, so she needed it to get to them, and they just happened to need what is basically a time machine the same school year. I will bet big money(lol) that JK Rowling added that necklace at the end and went back through the book, looking for a way to make it seem like it fit in with the storyline so that someone on a blog years later wouldn't call her out for it.


But I digress.


It is not "they" who are trying to make me feel guilty, it is the water bottle. It has the recycling emblem on it; you know, the three arrows that make some kind of triangular shape. Right below that, it says "CA Refund!" in big, bold letters, as if to say, "Recycle me! I'll reward you with five cents for momentarily casting aside your ever-present laziness!"


You can't fool me, water bottle. If it so much as takes up six cents of gas to drive to and from the recycling center closest to my house, then your trickery is wasted on me and a landfill somewhere will be glad to have you. My anger subsides quickly, though, because I feel a kinship with you, water bottle. Your stubbornness in the face of good sense is something I can relate to, as evidenced by your inability and unwillingness to break down for countless decades. 


We have so many commonalities, water bottle. Why do you guilt trip me into abandoning the laziness that has worked so well for me, for so long? And why do you make me realize that laziness has been counterproductive rather than helpful? You must be some kind of psychiatrist disguised as a water bottle. If this was a zombie apocalypse, I would keep you safe because you could help me cope with losing everything and everyone I loved, not to mention accepting the fact that all society has crumbled and we must rebuild everything, pending we live long enough to do so. I'd miss the internet. And my family. Assuming they would die. It's hard to say, because you can tell yourself you're prepared for a zombie outbreak, but I think if it were to actually happen, I would end up dying really quickly. The whole thing would catch me off guard and I'd end up getting eaten. I had a dream about the zombie apocalypse not too long ago, it was actually pretty awesome.


I was with this random group of people trying to board up a house, and all the zombies could see us but they didn't really care, which was weird. Anyway, we boarded up the main floor of the house and hid out in the basement, but the zombies broke in anyway and we destroyed the staircase. It would have been a good idea if we were on the second floor, but instead all the zombies fell into the basement like the yodeling mountain climber guy on The Price is Right when you go too high.

Go to about 1:10 to see what I'm talking about. That music is freaking sweet.

So we're sitting in this basement with a bunch of dead zombies, and I'm voted as the person to climb out a window and go get food or badgers or something. As I'm walking down the street, a zombie comes up and bites me. Instead of dying one of those horribly bloody deaths, I am IMMEDIATELY a zombie. I didn't even feel any pain. The best part is that zombies are totally lucid and have some kind of functioning society that consists of breaking into houses and playing video games. On top of that, they don't even need to eat human flesh, they just do it because they think it's funny to scare people. What my dream taught me is that my life would only minutely change if I turned into a zombie, and that maybe the zombie apocalypse would be something we as collective human beings should get behind.

Super Smash Bros Brawl, Pt.1: Skin suits, crossdressing, and exercising.

I have no shame in admitting it. I'm a huge nerd. I love video games, and have spent an inordinate amount of time playing them. My family is under the impression that video games are meant to be played solely by kids 12 and under, and constantly tell me to grow up. If this blog is any indication, that won't be happening any time soon.


One of my favorite game series has always been Super Smash Bros. As a kid, I played the original on my N64, and have given ample time to both sequels, most notably Brawl. In fact, I just finished a four hour marathon of sitting in my dark room, curtains drawn, mumbling to myself as I kicked the asses of all who came my way. I'm the type of person that talks smack when I'm playing video games, and because of this, I've formed some heavy handed opinions on the playable characters in Super Smash Brothers Brawl. Because I have no life, and I assume you're in the same boat if you have time to read any of this, this will be part one of a series of Brawl character breakdowns.


I'm going in alphabetical order; there are technically 35 characters in the game, 40 if you count Sheik, Zero Suit Samus, Squirtle, Ivysaur, and Charizard as separate characters. Since these entries are already wasting enough of everyone's time, I'll condense it down to 35.

Bowser
Bowser is the creepy obese neighbor down the street that always stares at you when you walk or drive past his house. He doesn't understand why women are grossed out by him(it couldn't possibly be because of his crazy eyebrows or disgusting skin condition, right?), so he ends up kidnapping one out of insanity and loneliness and the next thing you know, your block is taped off by police and he's made national news for trying to recreate the skin suit from Silence Of The Lambs.

Captain Falcon
Whenever I see Captain Falcon, the first thing that pops into my head is "overcompensating." He's the guy that lives at the gym, wears skintight clothes to show off his bulging muscles, and does his best to prove how macho he is by yelling about punches and kicks all the time. In reality, however, he enjoys crossdressing. Plain and simple. Stop trying so hard, Captain Falcon, we'll accept you no matter what.

 Diddy Kong
I don't have younger siblings, so I can't really relate to this scenario too much, but I imagine that Diddy Kong would be very similar to the obnoxious younger brother that never knows when to leave you and your friends alone. When he's not being bratty and throwing stuff at you, he's trying to do cartwheels and flips and stuff to get your attention and show off. You hope that one day he'll grow up and become tolerable, but so far his behavior is not indicative of that ever happening.

Donkey Kong
Your best friend's dad with a serious aggression problem. Your parents are wary of letting you go over to their house anymore, because every time you come home, you start talking about how he punched a hole in the wall or punted a cat across two of their neighbors' yards and how cool it was, and you're too young to understand that kicking a cat that hard is not only painful to the cat, but probably caused some serious internal damage and animal abuse is horrid and illegal. He used to be a cage fighter, which explains why he doesn't know how to read anymore.

Falco
Think back to high school for a moment. Do you remember the "cool" group? Not necessarily football players or popular kids, but that one group that just radiated awesomeness. Maybe they smoked and that made them badass, or they all had cars and you were still riding your Barbie bike at 16 years old, hiding it in the bushes behind the school so that nobody knew your only mode of transportation was pink and made out of mostly plastic. Falco is the guy in that group that's not necessarily the top dog or leader, but is generally considered to be the coolest member. He has a mohawk and is easily the best dressed out of everyone, and probably has some kind of future as an artist or rock star.

Fox
Fox would be the leader of Falco's group. Everyone kind of thinks he's a douche bag, and the only reason he's considered the leader is because he has the coolest car and is dating the hottest girl in school. He's not as well-liked as Falco, but more people know of him, thus making him popular. He brags about "hitting it" on a regular basis, and everyone just kind of rolls their eyes and hopes he gets some sort of STD, which is bound to happen because have you ever met a girl named Krystal that doesn't strip or work on a corner somewhere? Two sluts in one relationship is bound to result in some kind of venereal breeding ground.

Ganondorf
Ganondorf is the big guy in a bar that tries to act tough, but in an actual fight, he'd get his ass kicked by someone half his size. Slow and dumb, he's pretty much useless aside from maybe moving wood or something. Basically, keep him away from anything he could hurt himself with. Problem solving and critical thinking are not his strong suits.

Ice Climbers
Do you know that really obnoxious couple that does everything together, and post stuff on Facebook about how much they miss each other if they've been apart for more than a couple hours? Then you're familiar with the Ice Climbers. They love hiking and mountain climbing, and aren't afraid to brag about what mountains they've scaled and how much they love to exercise, making you feel self conscious about staying in your pajamas for three or four days in a row eating nothing but cereal and an entire box of oreos because you felt like it. They probably have carabiners on their key chains just to show the world how much they like fitness. Douche bags.

Ike
Ike is the white guy that thinks he's Asian. He's trained in martial arts his whole life, loves anime, and regularly tries speaking in broken Japanese, especially in sushi restaurants, in an attempt to show off to actual Asians. All wapanese annoyances aside, he's actually a kick ass fighter that can do some serious damage; kind of the opposite of Ganondorf. It wouldn't hurt to be nice to him even though you don't really want to be friends, because if you ever get in a fight and he's around, maybe he'll back you up because you're too much of a coward to actually punch someone in the face because you've never done it before and it scares you a little bit. Plus, that way he won't potentially shoot you if he ever goes on a rampage for being misunderstood and bullied.




And this concludes part one. Three more parts are coming soon! Let me know what you think about this concept, it was pretty fun to write.