Super Smash Bros. Brawl, Pt.3: Vietnam, whores, and stop having a boring tuna, stop having a boring life.

You've either loved the last two installments, or you're wondering why the hell you're still reading my blog because you don't like video games or zombies and there's nothing here for you. I'm slightly more than halfway done, 18 out of 35, so bear with me, and then bare with me, because things are about to get fun.


In case you haven't read the others, this is a series of posts on the characters of Super Smash Bros. Brawl, and what I imagine their personalities and back stories would be if they happened to be people.




Mr. Game & Watch

Your grandfather that has some pretty severe Vietnam flashbacks. You're in the middle of eating dinner with your family when your mom pulls out the broccoli, and he starts screaming something about jungles and the Vietcong. You can't throw out things like orange peels and moldy food because his parents went through the Depression, and they used damn near everything, and damn it, we're gonna use damn near everything too.

Ness

The Asian kid that's good at everything, so he's stereotypical. He's incredibly smart and will probably graduate college by the time he's 12. It's too bad he has absolutely no social skills and nobody will want to work with a 14-year-old with a very severe superiority complex. All he wanted to do was play baseball with the other kids, but no. He's not C-sian or B-sian, he's Asian.

Olimar
Burnout from the 70s that's still addicted to hallucinogens. Lives his life thinking he's crash landed on a strange, alien planet with a bunch of little creatures that come in a variety of vivid colors. He runs around with tin foil wrapped around his body and a glass bowl on his head telling people he's an astronaut.

Peach
Peach is a whore. Don't believe me? Let me Google that for you. Everybody I've ever spoken to that knows of Peach inexplicably shares this opinion with me. There's not much else to elaborate on; the game pretty much confirms my fantastical accusations, since she fights by throwing her ass at people and if you're familiar with something called the "ping pong ball trick," then you know where she pulls those turnips from.

Pikachu
Insanely annoying and hyperactive little kid. Whether they're a neighbor, cousin, or sibling, they've somehow picked you as their favorite person in the world and do everything in their power to track you down and irritate the hell out of you. Everything they touch becomes broken, and they always seem to want to play with your most valuable possessions. They're like an irreplaceable-object-seeking-missile, and keeping them out of your room and away from your stuff is priority number one, no matter what the other consequences might be.

Pit
Really, really dumb male model. He's the person that has done nothing to deserve all the attention he gets, aside from being born. Some people have all the luck, don't they? Always being flown around from one exotic photo shoot to another, he's completely out of touch with the real world and once asked if somebody could explain who Katrina was and why so many people in New Orleans seem to hate her. 

Pokemon Trainer
Pokemon Trainer is a coach that never succeeded at his own aspirations, so he lives vicariously through he people he trains. Exceptionally harsh in his methods, he channels all of his self hatred into coaching, which ranges from track(Squirtle) to shotput(Ivysaur) to weight lifting(Charizard). The problem with being hated by people in better shape than you is how easy it will be for them to kick your ass when they get tired of your bullshit.

R.O.B.
Techie. His main hobby is building computers, and because he puts so much of his free time into it, has let all of this relationships wither and die. Due to self-inflicted loneliness, he's turned into a complete and total internet porn addict. His hygiene is also questionable, since on more than one occasion, people have noticed that he smells like raw chicken.

Samus
Self-made millionaire that's totally addicted to plastic surgery. She made her money by inventing the SlapChop, and is now blowing it all on so many procedures that she'll be almost entirely plastic and silicone by the time either God or the government steps in to stop her from continuing to gradually take herself farther and farther away from being considered human.




Are you ready for part four? Because it's going to do one of two things: blow your mind, or completely obliterate your mind, body, and soul. Pick your poison, buckle up, and wait for me to get around to writing it.

Things That Are Unsexy.

There's some seriously unsexy stuff in this world. By the made up rules to the fictional game in my mind, I'm required to post what some of these things are.

Sharks
Some people find power sexy. If you're one of these people, then maybe sharks are for you. Personally, I've never encountered someone with power that could be considered sexy; just take a look at the people comprising our country's legislature. The gaping mouth that looks like a toothed goatse and dead, soulless eyes push sharks so far into the unsexy category that they've almost come full circle to sexy again.

Sloths
Continuing on with the animal theme, perhaps in an attempt to reassure myself I'm not into bestiality, sloths are next on the list. Look at that creepy, almost human smile. It's like the sloth is trying to say, "I'm going to eat your soul. Haha!" I'm not cool with that. Not to mention the fact that they move so slowly, moss grows all over their bodies. No thanks, sloth. Good luck somewhere else.

Tumbleweeds
I'm not listing these in any particular order, but if I was, tumbleweeds would be near the top. They look like big balls of rolling pubic hair, which I find gross for a multitude of reasons. Someone needs to teach tumbleweeds the joys of personal grooming, because as it stands, they're more of a bush than a weed.

Courtney Love
Perhaps there was a time in our society's history when strung-out crack whores with a particularly aggressive strain of herpes were considered desirable, akin to the times when full-figured women were held to the highest standard of beauty and men wearing powdered white wigs and skirts founded the very first Chippendale's. But none of those times are now. Courtney Love has fallen far from the success she achieved back in the 90s, when she was famous for being Kurt Cobain's wife and maybe having a band or something. Speaking of her band, it forces me to often put the words "Courtney Love" and "Hole" in the same sentence, something that rivals ammonia and bleach in the "things that should never be combined" category.

Cat Litter
In this universe, there is almost nothing more disgusting and unsexy than cat litter. About ten years ago, my family was living in an apartment because we were waiting for our house's construction to finish. It was only two bedrooms, so my sister and I shared the master; the other room wouldn't fit two beds. My bed was closest to the master bathroom, which is where we were forced to keep a litter box for our cat, because the apartment was on a busy road and she wasn't allowed outside. The smell was the first thing that bothered me. The second thing was waking up night after night, listening to our dog eating the cat shit out of the litter box. The crunching sound haunts me to this day. I'm holding back vomit as I type this. If you had any illusions about the sexiness of cat litter before reading this, I hope I've swayed you to my side of the issue.




Modesto Junior College
The place I've spent too many years of my life. How can a college be unsexy, you ask? First of all, horizontal stripes aren't flattering. Neither is the color combination of orange sherbet and lemon meringue. Does it make me hungry? Yes. Is it sexy? Not unless you have some kind of dessert fetish, which I'm pretty sure doesn't even exist. I don't approve of the staggering number of "goth" hangouts, either. I'm pretty sure our mall has a Hot Topic, so spending all your time on a college campus is not only unnecessary, but it's not fooling anybody. 

Me
Pay no attention to Andrea, my incredibly sexy best friend. Or the fact that we're in a sushi restaurant, probably offending the restaurant staff. Potentially even offending the entire Asian culture. This is probably one of the more flattering pictures I've found of myself, since I typically either look like I just woke up or haven't bathed in days. Both are actually true on a pretty consistent basis, which should concern me far more than it does.

The Problem with Christina Aguilera

There are some people in this world that just rub you the wrong way in every sense of the phrase. And then there are some people that you abhor so much, the thought of them rubbing you at all results in the skin crawling off your body; if your loathing is strong enough, the thought of sharing the same planet/oxygen/species with that person is vile.


My feelings for Christina Aguilera lie somewhere between "Dear God, do not let her rub me, do not let her rub me, do not touch me, I promise I'll never ask for anything ever again," and "I'm thinking of volunteering to be one of those two people that are going to live on Mars for the rest of their lives just so that I don't share the same atmosphere with her anymore."


I don't want to seem like a hateful or mean person, especially when I'm trying to build a reputation in some kind of small, practically microscopic, blogging community that currently consists of only myself and a friend that likes to leave overtly sexual comments on everything I do. But proclaiming my feelings toward Christina Aguilera is worthy of potentially tearing down all the work I've done to build myself up in this microcosm of a web society.

First of all, let's get the physical appearance issues out of the way. Frankly, she looks like a clown. I'm terrified of clowns, so using these pictures was a bold choice on my part. There were actually image results of her in full clown makeup, but I don't think my fragile psyche could take that.


I'm so afraid of clowns that once I was in a store with my mom, and a couple of clowns literally walked in the store, saw me, and thought I would enjoy being "entertained." I ended up throwing myself on the ground and screaming while a couple of middle-aged clowns danced around me, my mom being torn between stopping me from making a scene and ignoring my blood-curdling cries for help in an attempt to make me get over the irrational fear. Reluctantly, she pulled me away from the clowns, but I flopped onto the ground out of sheer exhaustion from just being confronted with, at the time, the greatest evil I imagined the world could conceive.


She can't seem to settle on a look that doesn't fall somewhere between hideous, terrifying, and try-hard. I think there might be a spot for her on the Jersey Shore. Overly tanned and platinum blond hair only works for George Hamilton, and I'm not sure, but I have a feeling the bright red lipstick would work better on him too.


Outer beauty is not the only thing she doesn't possess; her attitude is just as orange-ly hideous as her harlequin exterior. She's well known in Hollywood for constantly being rude to other people and celebrities. Just from my own knowledge, she's insulted Lady Gaga on multiple occasions, someone that I consider myself a fan of. Saying she has "no clue who that person is," and wondering if "it is a man or a woman." U in danga, girl. A quick Google search of "Christina Aguilera has a bad attitude" yields top results from A list celebrities Valerie Bertinelli and Vin Diesel complaining about her behavior, and then the most shocking display of disrespect, "Christina Aguilera Displays Bad Attitude at Sea World." I can handle celebrities being insulted, but once you mess with sea animals, someone better hold my hoops.


Aside from her treatment of celebrities and aquatic life, she's not afraid to hide her bitchiness from regular people; people like me, or you, that don't have mansions and millions of dollars and dorsal fins(though on multiple occasions, I've tried to convince people that I'm a dolphin. It doesn't end up working out very well. I'll keep trying). Here are two video examples of her behavior toward the "Average Joe," if you will. And you will, because that's what I typed.






In the first video, we see her ridicule an interviewer for coughing. In the second video, you hear her fans(delusional masochistic sheep) screaming how much they love her, and she repays them by pulling the gum out of her disgusting clown mouth and throwing it into the crowd. What a lovely, classy woman.


Onto her music. Let's face it, Christina Aguilera has always been second fiddle to pretty much everyone else. First, she tried to be sexy and slutty, talking about rubbing(I think I covered this at the beginning of the post) and being "dirrty." She was overshadowed by Britney Spears, and that's pretty embarrassing. Next, she tried to do the acoustic, soulful thing, which I think was when she first started to oversing EVERYTHING. This time around, she was out shined by Amy Winehouse. That's even more embarrassing. Then she took a four year break to have a very hairy baby, came out with Bionic this year, and was outperformed by nearly everybody else in the game at this point, including someone that has a dollar sign in her name and lives entirely off glitter and Jack Daniels. 


In my eyes, her only redeeming qualities reek of irony, failure, and desperation. My dislike for her has turned into some kind of circular, love-to-hate-to-love-to-hate never-ending cycle. Every time she flops, which is delightfully often, I can revel in her failure. But in order to flop, she must be promoted, so she continues to do and say obnoxious things, allowing my disdain to grow and grow, like some sort of pulsating boil crossbred with a weed.

Another way her existence brings me joy is the large variety of nicknames I'm able to give her. Much like Mr. Potato Head(Which in many ways is much like Christina Aguilera. Both come with huge red lips, are an unflattering shade of brownish orange, and were a whole lot more relevant in the 90s.), you are able to mix and match the different variations of her first and last names. For example:


-Floptina
-Irrelevantina
-Always-a-bridesmaid-tina
-Xtincta
-Haguilera
-Flopuilera
-Second-stringuilera


That's what I would call the starter kit. I have more in my arsenal, but because I'm one of those think-ahead kind of people, I'll keep them stored away for future use. I'm like a magician, I can't give away all my secrets. Or maybe...I can't reveal any secrets. I don't remember the exact saying. I guess I'm not really like a magician. Hm.