I always did like Yahoo.

So I logged into my Yahoo! Mail account a few moments ago, and when it took me to the front page, what did I see?

Marriage, music failed. YES. YES, THEY DID. Four for you, Yahoo, you go, Yahoo.

Seriously, read the article. It's hilariously awesome.

On a side note, Pat Monahan from Train looks like a combination of Dane Cook and Keith Richards in that picture.

Things that aren't cool.

Eyes

People touching their eyes is only slightly more horrible than this drawing. Hands are hard to draw, okay? I feel like, somehow, nature anticipated the onset of this fear and gave me perfect vision. I guess if my vision suddenly deteriorates, glasses are always an option, but contacts would absolutely be out of the question. Touching my eye? No, nope, no way. Not gonna happen. I can't explain why this freaks me out so much, but every time I see somebody touch their eye, or nearly touch their eye, or...things with eyes...I go into a thrashing fit until they're not doing it anymore. I can't handle it.

My body wash

Okay, I get that based on precedence, it seems like I have a serious aversion to bathing. That's not the case. I like taking showers, I like being clean, I just have a hard time finding the motivation to actually move sometimes. That, and the fact that my body wash is like rubbing yourself with congealed sand. It's Dove, so you'd think their experience in the soap industry would help avoid catastrophes like this, but no. It was the biggest and cheapest bottle of body wash Target had at the time, and since I don't have a job anymore, it seemed like a deal I wouldn't regret.

Think again, Drew.

It has the texture of fine sand mixed in with animal fat; goopy and rough. Plus, the lid likes to slam shut on its own, which tends to happen in mid-squeeze. Every single time, it shoots blobs of "soap" directly into my eyes, and it hurts. Words cannot express how much I hate this stuff. I'm going to use it all, because not only am I stubborn, but I spent the money and I'm too poor to waste it and buy new stuff. Trust me, I'm not happy about it whatsoever. I understand now why it was so cheap to begin with. Nobody wanted it, and I fell for their stupid ploy to pass on what can only be described as a grainy lipid to unsuspecting customers.

Christina Aguilera

Maybe I'm being harsh, I don't know. Hatred is the horse blinder of the emotional world. If you want to hear my reasoning for why I dislike her so much, go ahead and read this. I won't rehash everything again, but I really, really wanted to post that drawing. In spite of the contents, it's truly nothing short of a masterpiece.

Mouth issues

Personally, a nice smile is one of the biggest things I notice when I'm judging someone's attractiveness. I get that some people don't have the money to fix their teeth or whatever, but I can't help that it just bothers me. And there's a difference between teeth that aren't perfect, and teeth that could allow someone to eat an apple through a picket fence. If you have difficulty closing your mouth or speaking correctly because of your dental situation, it's time to take out a loan and get that shit fixed.

Bad breath, on the other hand, is something that I have yet to learn how to tolerate. Somehow, I always manage to attract people with breath as rancid as the box of month old pasta I found crammed behind my desk last night(I truly have no idea how it managed to fall back there and not be noticed for as long as it was. I didn't even smell it; I happened to be cleaning my room and threw it out before it developed sentient life and tried to murder me in my sleep). It seems like the people that should respect personal space the most have no concept of personal space at all, because not only are they attracted to me for whatever reason, but they think it's necessary to maintain a distance of roughly three inches from my face at all times during the conversation.

Attempting to remain interested in the conversation is next to impossible, because the entire time, I'm screaming at them in my head and doing my best to not lose consciousness from the noxious fumes being exhaled directly onto my unprotected face.

Hot weather

Hot weather is the bane of my existence. Not only is it uncool, but it's uncool. Every year, when summer rolls around, I become even more unproductive than I already am, something I truly didn't think possible. In my ideal world, the temperature would never go above 75 Fahrenheit and everybody would get out of my way on the road, because I know how to drive and they don't.

I can't decide who's the bigger ass hole, the sun or society; society, because it decided that it's normal to function during the day when it's freaking hot outside, or the sun, for making it freaking hot outside.

Leave a comment or six and tell me some stuff you would consider lame!

The Problem with Christina Aguilera

There are some people in this world that just rub you the wrong way in every sense of the phrase. And then there are some people that you abhor so much, the thought of them rubbing you at all results in the skin crawling off your body; if your loathing is strong enough, the thought of sharing the same planet/oxygen/species with that person is vile.


My feelings for Christina Aguilera lie somewhere between "Dear God, do not let her rub me, do not let her rub me, do not touch me, I promise I'll never ask for anything ever again," and "I'm thinking of volunteering to be one of those two people that are going to live on Mars for the rest of their lives just so that I don't share the same atmosphere with her anymore."


I don't want to seem like a hateful or mean person, especially when I'm trying to build a reputation in some kind of small, practically microscopic, blogging community that currently consists of only myself and a friend that likes to leave overtly sexual comments on everything I do. But proclaiming my feelings toward Christina Aguilera is worthy of potentially tearing down all the work I've done to build myself up in this microcosm of a web society.

First of all, let's get the physical appearance issues out of the way. Frankly, she looks like a clown. I'm terrified of clowns, so using these pictures was a bold choice on my part. There were actually image results of her in full clown makeup, but I don't think my fragile psyche could take that.


I'm so afraid of clowns that once I was in a store with my mom, and a couple of clowns literally walked in the store, saw me, and thought I would enjoy being "entertained." I ended up throwing myself on the ground and screaming while a couple of middle-aged clowns danced around me, my mom being torn between stopping me from making a scene and ignoring my blood-curdling cries for help in an attempt to make me get over the irrational fear. Reluctantly, she pulled me away from the clowns, but I flopped onto the ground out of sheer exhaustion from just being confronted with, at the time, the greatest evil I imagined the world could conceive.


She can't seem to settle on a look that doesn't fall somewhere between hideous, terrifying, and try-hard. I think there might be a spot for her on the Jersey Shore. Overly tanned and platinum blond hair only works for George Hamilton, and I'm not sure, but I have a feeling the bright red lipstick would work better on him too.


Outer beauty is not the only thing she doesn't possess; her attitude is just as orange-ly hideous as her harlequin exterior. She's well known in Hollywood for constantly being rude to other people and celebrities. Just from my own knowledge, she's insulted Lady Gaga on multiple occasions, someone that I consider myself a fan of. Saying she has "no clue who that person is," and wondering if "it is a man or a woman." U in danga, girl. A quick Google search of "Christina Aguilera has a bad attitude" yields top results from A list celebrities Valerie Bertinelli and Vin Diesel complaining about her behavior, and then the most shocking display of disrespect, "Christina Aguilera Displays Bad Attitude at Sea World." I can handle celebrities being insulted, but once you mess with sea animals, someone better hold my hoops.


Aside from her treatment of celebrities and aquatic life, she's not afraid to hide her bitchiness from regular people; people like me, or you, that don't have mansions and millions of dollars and dorsal fins(though on multiple occasions, I've tried to convince people that I'm a dolphin. It doesn't end up working out very well. I'll keep trying). Here are two video examples of her behavior toward the "Average Joe," if you will. And you will, because that's what I typed.






In the first video, we see her ridicule an interviewer for coughing. In the second video, you hear her fans(delusional masochistic sheep) screaming how much they love her, and she repays them by pulling the gum out of her disgusting clown mouth and throwing it into the crowd. What a lovely, classy woman.


Onto her music. Let's face it, Christina Aguilera has always been second fiddle to pretty much everyone else. First, she tried to be sexy and slutty, talking about rubbing(I think I covered this at the beginning of the post) and being "dirrty." She was overshadowed by Britney Spears, and that's pretty embarrassing. Next, she tried to do the acoustic, soulful thing, which I think was when she first started to oversing EVERYTHING. This time around, she was out shined by Amy Winehouse. That's even more embarrassing. Then she took a four year break to have a very hairy baby, came out with Bionic this year, and was outperformed by nearly everybody else in the game at this point, including someone that has a dollar sign in her name and lives entirely off glitter and Jack Daniels. 


In my eyes, her only redeeming qualities reek of irony, failure, and desperation. My dislike for her has turned into some kind of circular, love-to-hate-to-love-to-hate never-ending cycle. Every time she flops, which is delightfully often, I can revel in her failure. But in order to flop, she must be promoted, so she continues to do and say obnoxious things, allowing my disdain to grow and grow, like some sort of pulsating boil crossbred with a weed.

Another way her existence brings me joy is the large variety of nicknames I'm able to give her. Much like Mr. Potato Head(Which in many ways is much like Christina Aguilera. Both come with huge red lips, are an unflattering shade of brownish orange, and were a whole lot more relevant in the 90s.), you are able to mix and match the different variations of her first and last names. For example:


-Floptina
-Irrelevantina
-Always-a-bridesmaid-tina
-Xtincta
-Haguilera
-Flopuilera
-Second-stringuilera


That's what I would call the starter kit. I have more in my arsenal, but because I'm one of those think-ahead kind of people, I'll keep them stored away for future use. I'm like a magician, I can't give away all my secrets. Or maybe...I can't reveal any secrets. I don't remember the exact saying. I guess I'm not really like a magician. Hm.