Things That Are Unsexy.

There's some seriously unsexy stuff in this world. By the made up rules to the fictional game in my mind, I'm required to post what some of these things are.

Sharks
Some people find power sexy. If you're one of these people, then maybe sharks are for you. Personally, I've never encountered someone with power that could be considered sexy; just take a look at the people comprising our country's legislature. The gaping mouth that looks like a toothed goatse and dead, soulless eyes push sharks so far into the unsexy category that they've almost come full circle to sexy again.

Sloths
Continuing on with the animal theme, perhaps in an attempt to reassure myself I'm not into bestiality, sloths are next on the list. Look at that creepy, almost human smile. It's like the sloth is trying to say, "I'm going to eat your soul. Haha!" I'm not cool with that. Not to mention the fact that they move so slowly, moss grows all over their bodies. No thanks, sloth. Good luck somewhere else.

Tumbleweeds
I'm not listing these in any particular order, but if I was, tumbleweeds would be near the top. They look like big balls of rolling pubic hair, which I find gross for a multitude of reasons. Someone needs to teach tumbleweeds the joys of personal grooming, because as it stands, they're more of a bush than a weed.

Courtney Love
Perhaps there was a time in our society's history when strung-out crack whores with a particularly aggressive strain of herpes were considered desirable, akin to the times when full-figured women were held to the highest standard of beauty and men wearing powdered white wigs and skirts founded the very first Chippendale's. But none of those times are now. Courtney Love has fallen far from the success she achieved back in the 90s, when she was famous for being Kurt Cobain's wife and maybe having a band or something. Speaking of her band, it forces me to often put the words "Courtney Love" and "Hole" in the same sentence, something that rivals ammonia and bleach in the "things that should never be combined" category.

Cat Litter
In this universe, there is almost nothing more disgusting and unsexy than cat litter. About ten years ago, my family was living in an apartment because we were waiting for our house's construction to finish. It was only two bedrooms, so my sister and I shared the master; the other room wouldn't fit two beds. My bed was closest to the master bathroom, which is where we were forced to keep a litter box for our cat, because the apartment was on a busy road and she wasn't allowed outside. The smell was the first thing that bothered me. The second thing was waking up night after night, listening to our dog eating the cat shit out of the litter box. The crunching sound haunts me to this day. I'm holding back vomit as I type this. If you had any illusions about the sexiness of cat litter before reading this, I hope I've swayed you to my side of the issue.




Modesto Junior College
The place I've spent too many years of my life. How can a college be unsexy, you ask? First of all, horizontal stripes aren't flattering. Neither is the color combination of orange sherbet and lemon meringue. Does it make me hungry? Yes. Is it sexy? Not unless you have some kind of dessert fetish, which I'm pretty sure doesn't even exist. I don't approve of the staggering number of "goth" hangouts, either. I'm pretty sure our mall has a Hot Topic, so spending all your time on a college campus is not only unnecessary, but it's not fooling anybody. 

Me
Pay no attention to Andrea, my incredibly sexy best friend. Or the fact that we're in a sushi restaurant, probably offending the restaurant staff. Potentially even offending the entire Asian culture. This is probably one of the more flattering pictures I've found of myself, since I typically either look like I just woke up or haven't bathed in days. Both are actually true on a pretty consistent basis, which should concern me far more than it does.