So happy together.

Sometimes, you find things that are super cool. And then you find other things that are super cool. Then, every once in a while, you get the idea that these two super cool things should be one super cool thing. If you're me, however, then you get these ideas constantly. Here's some stuff that I think should be considered package deals.

Cake and cake

Cake is awesome on its own. Moist and delicious with creamy frosting, there's almost nothing better on this earth. The only way to improve cake? More cake. "More cake" should be our national motto; everybody would be happier, and think of all the problems we could fix. The answer to war? More cake! The answer to hunger? More cake! The answer to eliminating dangerous drug cartels? More cake! The answer to unwed, teenage mothers? More cake! And condoms! Hurray!

Sleep and exercise

Since "more cake" probably isn't the answer to obesity, this is the perfect solution. If scientists or nutritionists or personal trainers or something can find some way to get our bodies to exercise while we're asleep, BAM, problem solved. I understand there might be difficulties in making this dream a reality, and I'm willing to wait for science to catch up to the inner mechanics of my mind. I'll learn to be patient, I really will. Seriously, Stephen Hawking, call me up. I'm sure this is probably outside your typical realm of interest, but maybe we can work on something together. I'm an idea guy.

Microwaves and television

Sometimes, when I'm microwaving something, I think, "You know, I hate waiting, but I don't want to walk away and have the microwave beep before I can stop it when there's one second left. I wish there was some way to entertain myself rather than pace back and forth in the kitchen, looking at food because I'm bored, then remembering that I'm waiting for food to finish cooking." One day, it dawned on me; we need a TV installed in the microwave. Then I would never have to stop staring at a screen. My life would be complete.

Zombies and dinosaurs

Two of my favorite things. There needs to be a movie or TV show or book or something about these two subjects. Think of all the zombie movies that would have been improved with the inclusion of dinosaurs: 28 Days Later, Day of the Dead, Zombieland, the list goes on. Just imagine, Mark Zuckerberg and Abigail Breslin fight off a horde of zombies, only to turn around and see a velociraptor staring them down. Lord help them if they come across zombie dinosaurs. Facebook would never be the same.

How to Make People Think You're Absolutely Insane.

I like to think I have a lot of expertise when it comes to convincing people that there's something wrong with me. It amuses me to get the "How the hell did you escape your padded cell?" look from people; on the outside, I chuckle. On the inside, I'm shouting to myself, YOU GOT A REACTION! YES! OH MY GOD, THIS IS F***ING HILARIOUS! YOU ARE THE FUNNIEST PERSON THAT HAS EVER LIVED!


If you want a taste of this possibly self-deprecating source of humor, read on. I'll tell you the ways to obtain it. Many of them also involve driving others crazy, which makes the results twice as funny.


1. Deny everything
Say something, anything. It can be totally mundane and normal. Say it loud enough to make sure at least one person hears you, but quiet enough so that you can easily deny saying it.


About four years ago, I was hanging out with some of my friends, and I muttered something about tennis. My friend Andrea asked a few seconds later if somebody had said something about tennis; everybody vehemently denied it, especially me. Up until a few months ago, she tried on a nearly regular basis to prove that somebody said something about tennis. I had her thinking she was crazy for over three years, truly a personal best.


There are other things you can deny, as well. If someone points out a fact, like, "The sky sure is blue today!" or "People are human beings! They're typically born with opposable thumbs!", outright deny it. Bring up something contrary that makes no sense. "Uh, no? The sky is forest green. Are you freaking blind?" would be a good example. And it's not just enough to deny something once and let it go, your friend or boss or midwife will just think that you're weird. You have to deny things on multiple occasions, make it a habit. Do your very best to convince them. Pretty soon, you'll be dying from laughter every time you're around them.


2. Eat things that shouldn't be eaten
This one might take some planning to consistently have something on hand to eat that you shouldn't be eating. There are two ways you can go about this: stick with one snack and constantly proclaim how much you love it, or always be eating something different and make people think you can't control your urge to eat.


Some ideas include paper(sheets of paper, plates, whatever you have on hand. Eating a paper plate after having a meal on it would add another level of crazy, you can talk angrily about hating to waste anything!), plastic straws, toothpicks, or what could potentially be the easiest thing to eat, food scraps that people typically throw away. The last one could range from the easy-but-gross, things like citrus rinds, to the vomit-inducingly-disgusting eggshell. It all depends on your level of commitment and how much you care about your digestive tract. It could be worth it, though; imagine the look on your coworker's face as they round the corner into your cubicle and see you innocently peering up at them, munching away on a piece of printer paper. Bonus points if it's someone you don't like and they decide to walk away without saying a word to you.


3. Walk backward
Do this everywhere you go. If you live in a big city, the only people that will bat an eye at you will probably be tourists, and let's face it, they're amused by everything anyway. So unfortunately, you might not get the full comedic effect out of this tactic. However, if you're like me and live in a normal-sized city, or even a small town, you'll probably end up on the news or something. 


Also, don't quote me on this, but there might be a good chance that walking backward will work new muscles and maybe you'll get into shape! I mean, why would ellipticals have a setting to do it if it wasn't good exercise?


Having said that, I need to impose a rule on this tip: never tell people you're doing it as a new form of exercise. That's a potentially rational explanation. No, if someone asks, your answer should be some variation of, "I like it better this way," 'it' being walking.


4. Invent a language
I'm not saying to make incoherent noises 100% of the time, that requires way too much work, and you'd probably give up after maybe an hour. No, you need to throw in your own words into normal sentences every now and then, and don't even explain it. If somebody asks you what it means, change the subject as fast as possible, it will confuse them even more. For example:


Girl 1: Wow, I really love this (dress/skirt/top/cheese sculpture)!
Girl 2: Yeah! It's super vrogtiphia!
Girl 1: Wait, what? What did you say?
Girl 2: ...OMG, let's go get Chipotle!
Girl 1: Okay? You're just going to ignore my question?
Girl 2: I know, I love burritos too.


Try it, at least once. If you can, try to remember the context of at least a few words you've used, and reuse them any chance you get. It's something that you can continue for years, and you're bound to encounter the above scenario nearly every single time.


5. Dress in a completely normal way, except for one article of clothing
Pretty self explanatory. For example, wear a suit and then put a pair of underwear on the outside. Unfortunately, with the rise of the hipster population, it's become harder and harder to pair pieces of clothing together that will make people think you should be wearing a helmet, rather than impressing someone named Sebastien while he listens to Neutral Milk Hotel.


Be creative. Make a dress out of bedsheets and pair it with high heels, wear a blanket like a cape, use your dog's toys as jewelry. The possibilities are endless.




Those are all the ideas I could currently think of. If you have your own, leave them in the comments, I'm always looking for new ways to make those closest to me concerned about my mental health.